The hiatus was anything but brief. Two-and-a-half years. It was not a self-imposed exile, it just happened. Yet, retrospectively speaking…. there appears to be a time and place for all things on earth. Blogs included.
Most bloggers I’ve known have blogged as a means of venting out frustrations and cooped up emotions. Healthy habit that, but when a time comes that they realise they have nothing more to whine about…. the blogger in them dies a sad death (exceptions to the ‘nothing-more-to-whine-about-rule’ include people who discovered more to blogging than whining…. and bloggers who’ve blogged for the sheer joy of writing). Though, of course, we all agree that there are many other reasons why good blogs die their sad (sometimes natural) deaths; which is a matter that we needn’t delve into, being another kettle of fish altogether.
Given that my blog originally hinged on the wine and WHINE theme, I cannot attribute the exile to a lack of events to complain about. First of all, I have had more than my share (or anybody’s share) of matters to talk about. The last two years have been hard on me. Secondly, my blog was my home, and home, they say- is where the heart is.
Two transitory blogs- one at Blogger, and the other at LiveJournal– have been where I have tried to pen my thoughts, emotions- but with little luck. I couldn’t be regular even if I tried.. even if others tried for me too!
“Anjana, just WHEN are you going to get back to writing?” (after spouting some rather poetic verses about the moon in the Kutchhi desert)
“Er, ssssoon-. I hope.”
Or a more drastic one:
“Anjana, henceforth you shall update your journal everyday. Put aside some time at 11 pm each night to do some writing, OK?”
“Oh yeah- yeah! Sounds good!”
I could only nod my head and and post something weak in return, but I lacked the motivation. I realized that I didn’t want to write if I wasn’t being read, especially if I wasn’t being read by my regulars. My blog family had begun to fall apart, and it was affecting my bloggy state of mind. Looking back, I see that I had never really been regular even on my first (and most treasured) blog, but the fact that a zillion people used to leave their comments behind (sometimes egging me on to post some more) kept me coming back for more, so to speak.
And this is where I get to the part of ‘attributed identities’.
Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Questioning. Deconstructing my frame of mind, as I like to call it. I’ve been looking for the real ‘me’ underneath it all (I shall now spare you the philosophical talk and cut to c(h)ase).
In moments of insecurity and unsureity, I like to look back and think of times when I have been the more sure/secure/comfortable. Most of the time, I think of the days when I was in high school, or times when I went back home to visit my folks and old friends. There is an unfathomable amount of confidence that you gain in yourself when you are in the company of people who know you, trust you, confide in you – Or who are just sure of you.
And yet, on further deconstruction, I realize that the identity I carry back at home is ‘attributed’ to the success of my father as a person in our big and little communities, and that my identity there is an offshoot of his own identity altogether – an identity that he took years to create standing on his own two feet. I could not but feel confident sheltered from the harsh sun, standing tall next to him – yet in his shadow.
Attributed identities aren’t really a bad thing. They can be a starting point- or a launchpad. But they are not the finish line by any means.
It has occurred to me that the feeling of home that I’ve had with the first blog, was an offshoot of the identity that I had attributed to the success of my blog in early blog circles of those days. Those truly were good days, and I cannot help but reminisce about the good things that’ve come out of it.
At this point, where I have been only questioning myself and all that is me, I want to build on this identity that I have had, with the little pieces of myself that I have remaining as a reminder of good days. I have returned to my first blog-host (much as I regret the fact that I had been part of a silent propoganda against its’ cons), where the style of blog-entry suits me most. I have returned to the template I used first. I have returned to the same colors and fonts that I recognise from good times…. and I have also been making a conscious effort to get back to parts of my blog family that still remain. Feels good 🙂
Yet I shall not stop here. My blog, apart from being a place where I am comfortable/sure/secure- is my launchpad for further soul-searching, until I am satisfied with what I have found.
This is where I hold.. the key to my Happiness.
Cheers to the individuals within.
PS. I promise not to post such heavy stuff for a while now, hehe.
PPS. Thanks to AJ for being such a sweetheart by offering to edit out the stupid characters from the initial post, when he obviously had bigger things to take care of at the workplace. Thanks a million, buddy!